By Kimberly O’Connell, LMFT – Joyful Counseling Indianapolis
The holidays can stir up something complicated in the heart. Even when you’re not in the early, raw stages of loss, this season has a way of brushing against tender spots you thought had healed. Lights twinkle, music drifts through stores, and somewhere inside, there’s a quiet ache that doesn’t match the outside world.
As a therapist in Indianapolis, I’ve sat with many people who notice that their grief sharpens in December. Some are grieving someone they’ve lost; others are missing a relationship, a version of themselves, or a life that no longer fits. Whatever form it takes, grief has its own timing — and it often shows up when the world turns festive.
This time of year can make it harder to access the calm, connected version of ourselves. Instead, we may slip into old coping patterns that protect us from pain but also keep us from the love and support we need most.
When Pain Protects: Recognizing Reactive Coping During Grief
In Restoration Therapy, we talk about reactive coping — the protective patterns that emerge when old pain gets stirred. These reactions aren’t failures; they’re learned responses meant to help us survive. During the holidays, when emotions run high and schedules tighten, they can easily take the wheel.
Shame: “I should be fine by now.”
Grief often wakes up old messages of not being enough. You might feel like a burden, try to hold it together for everyone else, or minimize your pain because “others have it worse.” Over-functioning can look like cooking, caretaking, making everything perfect. It can be a quiet way of saying, If I can just do more, maybe I’ll earn belonging.
Gentle reflection: What would it feel like to treat your grief with the same kindness you’d offer a loved one?
Blame: “If they cared, they’d understand.”
When you feel unseen or unsupported, anger can rush in. You might snap at family members, withdraw from a partner, or fixate on what others are doing wrong. Blame can feel powerful when grief feels powerless.
Gentle reflection: If the anger or blame could speak without judgment, what would it reveal about what your heart is aching for?
Control: “If everything is perfect, maybe I’ll feel okay.”
It’s common to tighten the reins when the world feels unpredictable. You might over-plan, manage others’ emotions, or insist on certain traditions to preserve stability. But control often hides fear — fear of being flooded, forgotten, or left alone in your grief.
Gentle reflection: What fear am I trying to manage through control, and what might I notice if I loosen my grip just a little?
Avoidance: “I just don’t want to feel this.”
Grief can make us seek numbness, like endless scrolling, comfort eating, drinking, or staying busy enough not to stop. Avoidance is the nervous system’s attempt at mercy. But over time, it also dulls connection which is the very thing we are trying to heal.
Gentle reflection: What’s one tender moment or memory you might allow yourself to feel today, trusting your heart can hold it?
Internal Grounding for the Tender Season
When grief rises, start with the body. Before trying to think your way through it, try to soothe your nervous system.
- Take a few slow breaths with a hand on your heart and belly.
- Feel the weight of your feet on the floor.
- Notice where tension gathers and offer it a moment of softening to eacho of those parts.
Once your body feels a bit steadier, you might ask yourself:
- What do I actually need right now?
- Do I need quiet? Or do I need someone nearby?
- What would feel nourishing, even in a small way?
Focus on what feels like your most basic needs—Food, water, rest, connection with folks who love and care for you.
Rituals of Connection for the Tender Season
Grief needs movement, memory, and meaning. Small grounding rituals can help your body and heart stay connected during the holidays:
- Light a memory candle. Before gatherings, take one quiet moment to light a candle for the person or relationship you’re missing. It’s a way to say, I remember you, and I carry you with me.
- Create a permission slip. Write one each week and place it somewhere visible: “I’m allowed to leave early.” “I can laugh and still miss them.” “I’m doing enough.”
- Walk it through. A ten-minute walk outside, especially in the cold air can help your nervous system release what it’s been holding. Movement lets grief breathe.
- Simplify the season. Choose one tradition to keep and one to gently release. Ask yourself, Does this bring comfort or feel like obligation? You may not do this in your first holiday season after a loss, but slowly and gently over time find it important.
- Connect through ritual. Talk to someone who is close to you and create a two-minute check-in ritual every week:
- “How can I support you without trying to fix it?”
- “What’s been tender for you this week?”
- "What would you like me to ask that people haven't asked this week?"
For neurodivergent or highly sensitive folks, this may also mean pacing sensory and social input: smaller gatherings, comfort items or fidgets when outside the home, planned recovery days, access to soft textures, familiar smells, and sensory-safe foods that signal safety in uncertain moments.
Let Others Help You Carry It: Practicing Self-Advocacy
Grief asks for witnesses, not fixes — but even those who love us most often don’t know what we need unless we tell them. Practicing self-advocacy in grief isn’t about being demanding; it’s about giving people a way to show up for you.
You might try saying:
- “Would you check in with me once a week this month? No need to overcomplicate it, just a ‘how’s your week’ would be great.”
- “I might need to leave early from gatherings, and appreciate your understanding.”
“Can we do something small instead of gifts this year?” - “I might say no to your invitation, but please keep inviting me. It’s good to know I am welcome however I show up.”
- “I know you offered ‘anything I need.’ Does that include watching the kids for a couple hours? Or helping me fold laundry?”
Grief softens when it is witnessed. Allowing others to accompany you, even in small ways, is not a burden, it’s part of how we heal.
If You Love Someone Who’s Grieving
If you’re reading this and someone you care about is grieving, know that your presence matters. You don’t have to fix their pain. Simply showing up consistently and gently is one of the greatest gifts you can offer.
Try a weekly check-in text or phone call, or send a note remembering the person they lost by name. Don’t worry about saying the perfect thing; what matters most is staying connected.
A Gentle Benediction
If this season stirs up more than you expected, take heart, you are not broken, you are remembering.
Grief is love’s echo, and love still lives within you.
Let your tender spots breathe.
Let others in.
Let something small and good still reach you—a song, a candle flame, a steady hand.
If your grief feels heavy to hold alone, therapy can help and I've also created a free reflective guide for you or someome you love to slow down, and work with the pain of grieving.
At Joyful Counseling Indy, we offer grief counseling through a relational lens to help you navigate loss with compassion and clarity, especially during seasons when everything feels intensified. You can learn more or reach out for support at joyfulcounselingindy.com.