Origially written for theCityMoms--reworked and edited with permission for Joyful Couseling blog.
The Tender Spots of Grief
Grief creates tender spots within us—sensitive, surprising places that can take our breath away in everyday moments. Maybe you’re standing in the grocery store and suddenly see your loved one’s favorite snack. Maybe you hear a song that once filled your car on road trips. Or maybe you’re moving through a breakup, and even the silence of your phone feels raw.
These tender spots aren’t weaknesses. They are markers of love. And while grief never truly ends, we can learn to care for those tender places with gentleness and compassion.
What Grief Really Is
Mary-Francis O’Connor, PhD, author of The Grieving Brain, reminds us that grief and grieving are not the same.
- Grief is the wave of emotions that crashes in response to loss. It’s intense, overwhelming, and can hit without warning.
- Grieving is how those waves shift over time. They never fully go away, but we learn how to meet them differently.
This means grief isn’t just an emotion—it’s a process of learning, adapting, and continuing to love in a world that has changed.
“Grief never ends, but our relationship with it changes.”
Rituals That Help Us Tend the Tender Spots
Rituals give us structure when everything else feels uncertain. Funerals and memorials are one form of ritual, but healing doesn’t stop there. You can create your own ways to honor what was lost.
Ideas for Personal Rituals:
- Light a candle each morning or evening.
- Create a playlist of songs that connect you to your loved one.
- Write a letter to the person (or relationship) you’re grieving.
- Gather photos and organize them into an album.
- Watch a favorite show or play a video game you both enjoyed.
- Walk or bike to a place you enjoyed going together.
These rituals don’t erase grief. Instead, they help us touch the tender spots with care, honoring the love that remains.
Why Community Matters in Grief
Grief can feel isolating. We often get told to “be strong” or to stop crying so others aren’t uncomfortable. But grief softens when it is shared.
Ways Community Supports Grief:
- Sitting with friends to tell stories—both the tearful and the funny ones.
- Letting others see your sadness, without rushing to hide it.
- Talking through a breakup with people who remind you of your value.
Breakups and divorce bring a particular kind of grief because the person is still alive, and the temptation to reconnect can be strong. Having supportive friends who hold you accountable—not to text your ex in those vulnerable moments can be a lifeline.
“You don’t have to carry your grief alone. Connection softens the tender places.”
The Importance of Stillness
Community heals, but so does stillness. Sitting with yourself may be the hardest part of grieving—because it’s in the quiet that absence feels most sharp.
When you feel the urge to avoid or distract, I invite you instead to pause. Let yourself cry, rest, or simply notice what’s there. Your body has wisdom: crying releases stress hormones, rest restores you, and stillness allows your heart to catch up with what your mind already knows.
Daily moments of stillness can help you stay connected with yourself, even when grief feels overwhelming.
Grief in the Context of Our World
As a systemic therapist, I hold a deep awareness that grief is never only personal. The environments we live in—our communities, our culture, even the wider world—are woven into our baseline stress. When tragedies unfold around us, whether close to home or across the globe, they stir grief in us too.
Francis Weller reminds us: “Grief has always been communal, always been shared and consequently has traditionally been regarded as a sacred process. Too often in modern times our grief becomes private, carrying an invisible mantle of shame forcing our sorrow underground, hidden from the eyes that would offer healing.”
This means that grief for the world—whether from violence, natural disasters, or the ongoing fractures in our social fabric—becomes part of our inner landscape. Your personal grief is not separate from these wider sorrows. Instead, they overlap, intertwine, and remind us how deeply connected we all are.
Honoring this connection allows us to extend compassion not only to ourselves but also to the collective. When we tend to our own grief, we strengthen our capacity to meet the grief of the world.
Moving Through Grief With Compassion
Francis Weller writes, “Everyone must undertake an apprenticeship with sorrow.”
Grief doesn’t disappear. It shifts, changes, and teaches us to tend to the tender spots with more care over time. These spots may surprise us years later—a song, a smell, a memory—but instead of only breaking us open, they can also remind us of the depth of our love.
“Tender spots are not weaknesses. They are markers of love.”
Finding Support
You don’t have to face grief alone. Whether you are anticipating a loss, navigating the death of a loved one, grieving the state of the world, or reeling from a breakup, therapy and community support can help you carry grief with compassion. We are here for you.
Local and National Resources for Grief Support
Grief softens when shared. Below are some trusted local and national resources to help you navigate loss, whether you’re grieving a death, a breakup, or another kind of significant loss.