Origially written for theCityMoms--reworked and edited with permission for Joyful Couseling blog.
Grief creates tender spots within us—sensitive, surprising places that can take our breath away in everyday moments. Maybe you’re standing in the grocery store and suddenly see your loved one’s favorite snack. Maybe you hear a song that once filled your car on road trips. Or maybe you’re moving through a breakup, and even the silence of your phone feels raw.
These tender spots aren’t weaknesses. They are markers of love. And while grief never truly ends, we can learn to care for those tender places with gentleness and compassion.
What Grief Really Is
Mary-Francis O’Connor, PhD, author of The Grieving Brain, reminds us that grief and grieving are not the same.
- Grief is the wave of emotions that crashes in response to loss. It’s intense, overwhelming, and can hit without warning.
- Grieving is how those waves shift over time. They never fully go away, but we learn how to meet them differently.
This means grief isn’t just an emotion—it’s a process of learning, adapting, and continuing to love in a world that has changed.
“Grief never ends, but our relationship with it changes.”
Rituals That Help Us Tend the Tender Spots
Rituals give us structure when everything else feels uncertain. Funerals and memorials are one form of ritual, but healing doesn’t stop there. You can create your own ways to honor what was lost.
Some ideas:
- Light a candle each morning or evening.
- Create a playlist of songs that connect you to your loved one.
- Write a letter to the person (or relationship) you’re grieving.
- Gather photos and organize them into an album.
- Watch a favorite show or play a video game you both enjoyed.
- Walk or bike to a place you enjoyed going together.
These rituals don’t erase grief. Instead, they help us touch the tender spots with care, honoring the love that remains.
Why Community Matters in Grief
Grief can feel isolating. We often get told to “be strong” or to stop crying so others aren’t uncomfortable. But grief softens when it is shared.
Community can look like:
- Sitting with friends to tell stories—both the tearful and the funny ones.
- Letting others see your sadness, without rushing to hide it.
- Talking through a breakup with people who remind you of your value.
Breakups and divorce bring a particular kind of grief because the person is still alive, and the temptation to reconnect can be strong. Having supportive friends who hold you accountable—not to text your ex in those vulnerable moments can be a lifeline.
“You don’t have to carry your grief alone. Connection softens the tender places.”
The Importance of Stillness
Community heals, but so does stillness. Sitting with yourself may be the hardest part of grieving—because it’s in the quiet that absence feels most sharp.
When you feel the urge to avoid or distract, I invite you instead to pause. Let yourself cry, rest, or simply notice what’s there. Your body has wisdom: crying releases stress hormones, rest restores you, and stillness allows your heart to catch up with what your mind already knows.
Daily moments of stillness can help you stay connected with yourself, even when grief feels overwhelming.
Moving Through Grief With Compassion
Francis Weller writes, “Everyone must undertake an apprenticeship with sorrow.”
Grief doesn’t disappear. It shifts, changes, and teaches us to tend to the tender spots with more care over time. These spots may surprise us years later—a song, a smell, a memory—but instead of only breaking us open, they can also remind us of the depth of our love.
“Tender spots are not weaknesses. They are markers of love.”
Finding Support
You don’t have to face grief alone. Whether you are anticipating a loss, navigating the death of a loved one, grieving the state of the world, or reeling from a breakup, therapy and community support can help you carry grief with compassion. We are here for you.
Grief Support Resources in Indianapolis (2025)
Whether you’re grieving the loss of a loved one, a child, or navigating identity-specific experiences of grief, Indianapolis has several options for support.