If you’re someone who quietly wrestles every holiday season with the question of where and with whom you want to spend your time — and sometimes feel like a donkey being pulled along — I’m here to tell you: you are okay.
If you’re the person who tries desperately to make every wish, every vision, every sparkle of holiday magic happen for everyone — I’m here to tell you: you are okay.
Most of us fall somewhere between these two poles. Some years you dread the holiday swirl and all the responsibilities that come with it. Other years you may be genuinely excited for the festivities and the nostalgia they carry.
The holiday season has a way of stirring up underlying anxiety, whether we want to look at it or not. And yet — holidays are exactly that: a moment on the calendar. Try not to let anxiety shut you down from a time of year that can hold meaning, connection, or even rest.
The Hidden Holiday Anxiety Nobody Talks About
In family systems and psychoanalytic thought, we often talk about two kinds of anxiety: acute and chronic. Both relate to perceived threat. Your body and mind are trying to understand what danger might be looming — even if the “danger” is simply unmet expectations, disappointing someone, or navigating complicated family patterns.
Acute anxiety is temporary and often predictable — like the Sunday scaries before the work week. It rises, it peaks, and your system usually adjusts.
Chronic anxiety is trickier. It’s often unconscious, longstanding, or tied to deeper relational patterns. It muddles thought, hijacks your clarity, and makes you exquisitely sensitive to anything that feels similar to old pain. Many people today simply call this being triggered.
If chronic stress and overwhelm feel familiar, you might also find helpful insights in The Shamwow of Stress: Why Letting Go Matters for Your Mental Health
Example:
Maybe as a kid you constantly felt misunderstood by your family, so you tried to “explain yourself” with long, vague justifications. Now, as an adult, any moment of feeling misunderstood sends you into overexplaining, talking too loudly, or oversharing — and afterward, you feel embarrassed, misunderstood all over again, and unsure how it happened so fast.
Why Your Nervous System Reacts at the Holidays
All of us have a metaphorical yo-yo between our desire for individuality and our longing for togetherness. You’ve felt moments of craving closeness — and moments when you just wanted to be left alone. This dance is deeply connected to the anxiety patterns above and to the actual context of your life right now.
Holidays yank that yo-yo in both directions at once.
Maybe:
- You’ve just welcomed a new baby. You’re exhausted and overwhelmed. Yet your extended family is planning rigid, high-energy holiday gatherings and not noticing how boxed in you feel. Their enthusiasm makes you pull away harder — a push for individuality.
Or:
- You’re juggling work and parenting, but you lost a grandparent this year. You find yourself craving togetherness and insisting the family keep every menu item exactly the same — including the infamous seven-layer mayonnaise “salad.” You’re holding tight to the past because you miss the person who held the family together.
If loss makes the the holidays feel heavier, you might appreciate, When Grief Meets the Holidays: Working with, Not Against Your Pain
The Individuality–Togetherness Tug-of-War
The hardest part of this season is balancing your own boundaries with everyone else’s — while anxiety hums underneath.
If you notice holiday anxiety rising (whether you understand the reason or not), pause. Take a breath. Remember: this is one point on the calendar. You are not meant to solve your entire relational history in December.
Three Holiday Reflection Questions
Once you’ve taken a moment, try gently reflecting on these questions:
1. What is actually happening right now?
Context matters.
What in your current life might be stirring up chronic anxiety?
- A new baby?
- A developmental shift in your kids?
- An aging parent?
- A holiday tradition that no longer fits?
- A grief anniversary?
- A role you’re growing out of?
Name the facts, so you can work with the feelings.
2. If you feel yourself avoiding…
Ask: What is one small, doable way I can stay engaged without abandoning myself?
Avoidance is often valid — but it also increases pressure.
Is there a middle step that honors your need for space while still keeping a thread of connection?
3. If you feel yourself clinging or controlling…
Pause. Breathe.
Ask: Is there a more believable version of my holiday vision? One that still feels meaningful but isn’t rigid?
Your vision may still hold magic — even if it unfolds differently than you imagined.
A Grounding Reminder for the Season
The holiday season is just that: a season. A moment on the calendar.
Whatever anxiety you’re facing right now will shift again. January is coming, and you are okay.
For more support with overwhelm, families, and emotional regulation, you might also explore, Catching the First Wave of Overwhelm: How Couples and Parents Can Stay Connected
Take a walk. Talk with a friend. Play cards. Step outside for a few breaths of cold air.
You are okay — even if the holidays bring up more than you expected.