I imagine you are familiar with what overwhelm feels like—maybe your chest tightens, your words shorten, thoughts race quickly. That’s what I call the first wave of overwhelm. It’s fast, reactive, and often hits before you’ve had a chance to think.
As a couples and family therapist—and as a mom of three, I feel this wave too. It shows up in the the transition from home to school, the middle of homework chaos, or when my husband and I haven't had time to get on the same page. It happens when I'm tired or hungry, or there is too much noise. The first wave is your nervous system kicking into fight, flight, or freeze—a natural, automatic response that can gradually shift as you learn to notice and regulate it.
The very good news? If you practice catching the first wave, you’re not just surviving the moment—you’re training your nervous system. Each pause, each step toward regulation, is building new neural pathways that help reduce reactivity over time. You’re laying down trails in your brain that make it easier to ride the wave instead of being swept away.
Step One: Notice and Ride the First Wave
Start by noticing what’s happening in your body—tight shoulders, shallow breaths, a quickening heartbeat.
Once you’ve noticed the first wave, put your feet down. Literally. Press them into the floor, place a hand on a cool surface, sway with your whole body, or take one slow, intentional breath and focus on your exhale.
Grounding in your senses signals safety to your nervous system. Each time you do this, you’re reinforcing neural pathways that allow calm, connection, and choice. Over time, your body learns it has options and doesn't have to react the same way every time the wave rises.
Step Two: Take Inventory
Once your body feels grounded, gently and honestly notice what your dysregulation caused you to do:
- Do you blame and get snappy or sharp?
- Do you go quiet, retreat, or shut down?
- Do passive-aggressive comments sneak out under your breath?
- Do you step into control mode—fixing, directing, managing?
These patterns are part of your first emotional wave and the second part of this work is noticing how you are reacting in moments of overwhelm.
Next, notice how others usually respond:
- Does your partner pull away when you snap?
- Do your kids escalate when you try to control?
- Does tension increase when you retreat or go quiet?
This isn’t about shame—it’s about clarity. Awareness of your pattern and its impact is the first step toward choice.
Step Three: Ride Into the Second Wave
The second wave is where we move under the overwhelm to what we truly need.
Ask yourself:
- What is really going on under this reaction?
- Do I need support, rest, or understanding?
- How can I respond in a way that aligns with who I want to be in this moment?
This is where the first wave meets the second wave, and your practice starts to transform automatic reactivity into conscious connection with yourself and the other. Your brain is learning that it’s safe to move past the first wave and choose a different path, strengthening the neural pathways that support calm and relational presence.
Step Four: Offer a Relational Gesture
Once you’ve reached the second wave, offer a small bridge back to those around you. These gestures aren’t about being perfect—they’re about practicing accountability and repair in ways that strengthen trust. In our family we often say: “You’re allowed to have your feelings, but you’re not allowed to hurt people with them.”
The same is true in couples and family work—we don’t ever expect perfection, but we do practice coming back when we’ve missed the mark and have hurt the other person. I often help my clients create realistic expectations that they will get the first wave right a small percentage of the time to start. (Think 2-5%) If perfection can be set aside, practice and progress have much more room to grow. The first task of relational learning is to be brave and come back to your partner or child to name that the first wave happened, and offer connection if they are ready.
Here are some simple, relational gestures you might try:
With children:
- “I got loud back there, and that wasn't fair to you. Can I try again?”
- Sitting beside your child and saying, “I want to listen now.”
- Taking a calming breath with them and saying, “I felt really overwhelmed but those breaths helped. Can we start fresh?”
With partners:
- “That first wave came out sharp and I'm sorry. I don’t want to take it out on you.”
- Reaching for their hand and saying, “I want to stay connected, even when I get overwhelmed.”
- “I’m back now, and I care about how that felt for you.”
For anyone you love:
- A soft smile and, “I don’t always get it right, but I want to.”
- “Thanks for giving me a minute to catch that first wave.”
- A simple, “I’m here with you now.”
Every small acknowledgment like these communicate safety, love, and presence. They also model that feelings are valid, and that relationships grow stronger when we repair after the first wave. Over time, these micro-moments of accountability and connection help strengthen both your nervous system and your relationships.
Why This Matters
Every time you notice the first wave, anchor, reflect, and connect, you’re literally reshaping your brain. You’re building neural pathways that reduce reactivity, strengthen self-regulation, and allow you to respond rather than react.
This isn’t about never feeling overwhelmed. It’s about practicing awareness and choice so that overwhelm doesn’t dictate the story. You’re teaching yourself—and modeling for your partner or kids—that even in the when the waves are unpredictable and big, connection and care are possible.
And yes—you’ll miss the mark sometimes. That’s not failure; it’s practice. Each time you come back with honesty and repair, you’re building both trust in your relationships and compassion for yourself. Grace, both given and received, is part of the growth.
Reflect & Connect
Take a moment to reflect:
“When I notice my first wave of overwhelm, what is my typical reaction, and how does it affect the people I love? What small step could I take next time to shift toward connection?”
If you’d like guidance navigating overwhelm in your relationships, our Indianapolis office offers individual, couples, and family therapy. We help parents and partners build awareness, strengthen connection, and create relational patterns that last.