How to communicate your intimacy needs

Originally published with theCityMoms

· Couples Therapy,Couples,Sex,Intimacy,Kim

In honor of Sexual Health Month, our CityMom and licensed couples therapist, Kim, wants to help you feel empowered to explore and communicate what you desire for yourself in the bedroom.

We know talking about sex might come with some feels, so let us lighten the emotional load so you can get these important conversations started.

Let’s take a few minutes together to think, dream, and explore what you might like in the bedroom so you feel more confident to communicate your yes with the person (or people) with whom you are most intimate.


Get to know what turns you on

Desire starts way before we enter the bedroom, so take a little time to get to know what gets you going. Turn-ons can be related to your partner, or not. They can be PG or XXX. What gets you hot can range from everyday things, people, and interactions to technicolor wild fantasies and may take you completely by surprise once you start thinking about it. Just know that nothing in your fantasy space is off-limits (or makes you weird). When you slow down to notice what turns you on, even just a little bit, your brain creates new space for fun sensual stories to grow.

Share your desires and fantasies with a little help

Ever wanted to share a little pillow talk with your honey but felt awkward starting? We highly recommend using a sex and relationship resource to give you questions and language to get a conversation started.

Try one of these:

  • Listen to a relationship podcast together.
  • Check out an online course or 30-day sexual/sensual challenge.
  • Grab a great book on desire and read together.

There are so many wonderful resources to help the conversation flow! Take it slow and create a fun space for conversation. If you find you keep running into roadblocks just the two of you, a licensed couples therapist may be able to help you both to create a safe space to explore your desires and fantasies.

Communicate your “yes!”

When people think about intimacy, their brain runs straight to intercourse, but that is not what we’re talking about here! There are so many intimate acts to explore and say yes to and the beauty is you get to decide how far to go. Many people think if they say yes to a massage they are also saying yes to sex and then end up not accepting a massage.

Let’s start by de-coupling that any touch leads to intercourse:

To do that, you must clearly and compassionately communicate what you want with your partner. It can look like this: "I have had a long day at work and would love you to rub my back tonight and maybe make out a little. Does that work for you?”

The key is communicating what you want and recognizing that might change as you engage with your partner. If you find that after your massage you want to take it to the next level, say what you want next and ask your partner if they are up for that. This communication method also works if you’re feeling turned on and want to engage sexually with your partner. It might sound something like, “Watching you out in the garden got me fantasizing about us having sex outside. Wanna give it a shot?” Being direct, playful, and open with your partner not only creates sexual intimacy, but emotional intimacy has the potential to deepen your relationship.


One last thing

Many, many people find it super-hot when their partner is direct with what they want in the moments sexual activities are happening. If you need their touch to be faster, slower, harder, softer, or in a different position, SAY IT! Our partners do not know our bodies the way we do and it is our responsibility to clue them in. If this is new to you, start by being encouraging when something feels good. A simple, “yes, just like that” or “stay right there” can be what you need to feel good. If you aren’t sure, practice solo, then when you are with your partner you can show them.

Sexual communication has such potential to evolve, and if you want something different from your sex life, ASK. It may feel a little risky, but 9 times out of 10 will help you feel heard, understood, and more deeply connected to yourself and your partner.