There’s a common idea that forgiveness in relationships means forgetting — but in real life, it rarely works that way. Forgiveness is a process. A process rooted in love, trust, and power. It’s also deeply relational. It seeks a deeper understanding of what is fair, both within ourselves and between us and others. It’s like a long, uncertain hike into the unknown, where the past damage is a clear, well-worn trail, while forgiveness requires forging a new, unfamiliar path. Creating that path takes effort, intention, and care.
Forgiveness is profoundly human. It’s difficult — almost spiritual — and relies on hope. Hope that things can be better, or at least “good enough.” Because of this, it has to be intentional. At its core, forgiveness is about restoring love and trust in a relationship. And for it to be authentic, it requires meaningful, balanced, and trustworthy change.
As a couple’s therapist, I often meet relationships at their breaking point. Therapy for couples in crisis is frequently the “last chance.” What I find so interesting is that I’ve never encountered a couple who intentionally entered their relationship hoping to harm each other. The hurt that arises often comes from deep, painful, sometimes unrecognized parts of ourselves that reveal themselves over time — because two humans decided to hike together through life. At some point along the way, they veered down different, bumpier, sometimes dangerous paths. A struggle begins: Which way should we go? Who’s leading? Who has the right gear?
The couples who succeed in the work of forgiveness and emotional healing are those who can pay attention to this. They are able to suspend blame, shame, control, and avoidance — and instead seek to salvage and restore by zooming out and viewing their relationship as a whole. They take stock of where they are and choose the best possible trail forward, prioritizing what will set the relationship up for success, no matter what direction they ultimately take.
In the work of forgiveness, accessing both salvage and restoration is essential (Hargrave & Zasowski, 2017). These don’t happen all at once. Salvage involves acknowledging the damaged parts of the relationship while recognizing that it cannot return to what it once was. This step doesn’t necessarily require engagement with the other person — it can be a solo hike. Restoration, on the other hand, involves determining safety and deciding whether to reengage — but this time, with newness. Salvage and restoration become guiding landmarks for relationship healing. Some days, they seem far away; other times, they appear close and tangible. They don’t guarantee a specific outcome, and many people fall off their journey by clinging too tightly to their old trail, rather than seeking out these new landmarks.
If you’re considering doing your own work of forgiveness, it’s important to prepare properly for your hike. Setting out with poor equipment makes the journey difficult, even dangerous. Here’s a guide for emotional self-care and relationship healing as you take on this work:
- Equipment: Take stock of your resources. This might include journaling, meditation, exercise, or other self-care practices while healing from relationship hurt. These small acts function like proper hiking gear. Make sure you have a good pair of boots before you set out.
- Park Rangers: Identify the “rangers” you can trust and turn to for guidance — supportive friends, family members, therapists, or clergy. Be mindful that not everyone on the trail gives good advice or guidance.
- Map: It’s hard to navigate this terrain without one. Your map might be the goals you set in couples therapy, a well-developed spiritual practice, or a clear idea of what kind of destination you’re hoping for. Knowing where you’d like to go — whether it’s rebuilding trust, emotional healing, or restoring connection — will help you stay oriented along the way.
Forgiveness isn’t a single moment — it’s a process that takes intention, care, and sometimes, guidance. Whether you're walking that path alone or with a partner, you deserve support that honors your story.
🧭 If you're ready to explore what healing could look like in your relationship, therapy can be one way to help you find your footing.
I offer in-person and virtual sessions for individuals and couples ready to do the work of emotional repair and reconnection.
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